Blog #9 Loneliness Part 2: Loneliness and Childhood Attachment

This post is part of a series. It is highly recommended that you start from Blog #6, Loneliness Part 1: Our World is Run on Relationships.

A Personal Story

I am going to be vulnerable and share an incredible personal story with you. When I was around three years old, my parents and I lived in an eight-hundred sq. feet high-rise apartment in Hong Kong. My dad led a small team of network engineers working night shifts in a hospital, so oftentimes I didn’t get to see him in the evening. My mom would take up parenting duties when she wasn’t working. It was my birthday, but I can’t remember if it was celebrated. However, my parents bought me a foam puzzle in the shape of a clown’s face. Around nighttime, my mom presented me with the gift while tucking me in bed. The moment my Mom left and the bedroom door shut, the room went mostly dark. All of a sudden, I found myself ripping up the puzzle but immediately felt guilty. I fell asleep in silence, only remembering waking up to my mother telling me that it was okay and she wasn’t angry at me for destroying my gift. I was confused about why I ripped the clown apart. That was the first time I remember feeling lonely.

Perhaps it was because of the lack of attention my parents gave me, or simply because they were too busy at work. My childhood could be characterized by feelings of loneliness, emotional numbness, and fear. Despite fond and caring memories of my mother, I wasn’t satisfied and nourished enough to enjoy emotional security. Regardless of what might be the true reason for my psychological ailments, my experience on that birthday set a pattern of how I felt throughout my childhood and parts of my adulthood. As a young adult, I could recognize how some of my classmates and friends seemed to have a closer relationship with their parents, have a more positive outlook, and generally felt less lonely than I did. When they shared their childhood experiences, I often felt jealous of how much more cheerful they seemed to be. 

Understanding What is an Attachment Template

My purpose in sharing this story isn’t to attract sympathy, nor to trauma-dump; I am sharing my story because I want to make a connection between childhood experiences and loneliness in adulthood. In the last post, I explained how loneliness is the experience of unwelcome emotions and emotional pain, often a result of painful relationships, with yourself, others, or specific circumstances. In childhood, we go through developmental stages which form our relations to the world, and if we have to face adverse experiences that leave us feeling lonely, we might become primed to feel the same loneliness throughout our lives. More specifically, if we grew up with painful relationships with early caretakers, we will likely become more prone to experience loneliness as an adult.

A previous clinical supervisor of mine shared with me one way to understand the implications of adverse childhood attachment and loneliness. She explained that as infants, our emotional attachments are like a blank slate—We do not yet have the information on who or what kind of people we should attach to. As we bond with our adult caretakers—parents or other adult figures—we create an attachment template. For example, if our original caretakers extend consistently warm and personable affections toward us, we then associate anyone with the same warmth and personable affection as people we will feel attached to throughout our lives. Similarly, if our early caretakers provide inconsistent and mixed affection, we will start feeling attached to inconsistent folks. In the worst cases, if we spent our early childhood attached to caretakers who instill fear, terror, and pain, we would create an attachment template that makes us feel emotionally attached to the same kind of folks who are capable of instilling fear and terror in us as adults.

While it’s important to know the relation we have to our original caretakers, their interests, likes or personal opinions have little to do with the way we build our attachment template. It doesn’t matter what your caretaker’s interests or personal beliefs are, the only thing that matters is the way they connect with us. I once worked with a woman in her 20s who was struggling with feelings of anxiety and frequently used alcohol to cope. She came to me asking for help and started to reveal her dissatisfaction with her relationship as well. I told her about the “attachment template”, which only made her feel confused. She told me about how her parents were a source of distress which led her to distance herself from her family. However, she told me in order to not repeat the past, she chose someone who is from a different ethnicity, with different interests from her family members, and appeared to be “the nicest man” she knew. 

Her situation was seemingly paradoxical and baffling until we dug deeper into her current relationship. Her partner did offer gestures, such as taking care of her when she was sick, or routinely preparing ostentatious home-cooked dinner to surprise her. However, he was sometimes preoccupied with his interests, and unresponsive to my client’s request for any kind of affection that was inconvenient for him. Furthermore, he was often opinionated to the point of putting her down for personal beliefs that did not align with his. When I asked if her partner’s traits feel familiar to her past experiences, she said she felt the same kind of loneliness and self-inadequacy with her family. Her father would use silence to punish her whenever she expressed disagreement, only to appear he had “forgotten” about the conflict days later. While her father differed by showing fewer loving gestures and used silence instead of demeaning criticism, both of these figures in her life elicit the same attachment pattern—inconsistent affection that triggers feelings of loneliness and self-inadequacy. In this unfortunate case, my client’s attachment template perpetuated the same challenging feelings she had experienced since childhood.

Escaping the Cycle of Bad Relationships

If we are not careful, our attachment template can hijack our ability to choose healthy and appropriate people to relate to. However, simply because we might have a bad template, this does not necessarily mean we will always be plagued by having unhealthy relationships. We can learn to choose healthier relationships by building awareness of how we are attached to others, addressing our trauma, and exercising caution when we meet new people.

The first part of having healthier relationships is having awareness. I have a friend who likes to play RPG video games. One time, he was telling me about a game he was obsessed with called Fallout 4 - a role-playing game set in a post-apocalyptic Boston two hundred years after a global nuclear war. He was particularly attracted to a character named Cait, a violence-prone, drug-addicted Irish cage fighter whose parents sold her as a slave. When I asked him why he was so drawn to this character, he told me “There is just something really interesting and exciting about Cait, maybe I am just attracted to bad women”. Sometimes feelings of attachment can feel like excitement and intrigue. 

If an example of a friend’s amorous feelings for a fictional character isn’t convincing, I have another vignette to share. I had a client who struggled with social anxiety. She was frustrated about her repeated pattern of getting involved with people who didn’t care about her. With some exploring, she revealed she feels mysteriously comfortable with the people who treated her badly. Furthermore, she reported an inclination of naturally wanting to open up, and show vulnerability to them without any logical reason. In this case, attachment feels like comfort, contentment, and trust. 

Do you see yourself in one of these examples? If so, I encourage you to get curious and review your relational history. What does attaching to someone feel like to you?

The second part of having healthier relationships is trauma resolution. Previously, I explained how inconsistent or terrorizing original caretakers can create loneliness and emotional pain. As a child, it is likely such adverse experiences are difficult to cope with or to make sense of. If left unresolved, we will experience similar emotional distress as when we were children. The result of repeated trauma can make us vulnerable to emotional instability or of perpetuating the abuse. In order to resolve trauma, we have to orient ourselves to our pain and loneliness with kindness and care. We also need to make efforts to create safe environments for us to experience these difficult emotions. In the future, both our podcast and blog will dive deeper into the topic of trauma. If you require more guidance, speak to a therapist. I recommend two books, one called The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel Van Der Kolk M.D., and the other called The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture, by Gabor Maté M.D.. 

The third and final part is to exercise caution when meeting new people. If we know we are likely to feel close to people who are not good candidates for relationships, we have to make an effort to discern and distance ourselves from them. This is going to be the hardest of the three parts because it might require us to detach from people who truly feel special to us. When you feel attached to a new person or organization within a short period of time, I want you to evaluate them by asking yourself a few questions: 

• What feelings come up when you think about them? 

• Is it a feeling that seems to suggest they can solve most of if not all of your problems?

• Are there any questionable red flags, such as dismissal of your personal needs or expressions, being overly rigid on issues important to you, or displaying similar charm or charisma as with past painful relationships? 

• Are there any protections outside of this new relationship that will keep yourself from being harmed? 

Oftentimes, when we are confronted with a questionable relationship, we will have some idea that “something is off”. Some called it a “gut feeling”. If we feel dread, disbelief, numbness, or fear with a very exciting and new relationship, we should consider these negative feelings as information for evaluation. Furthermore, healthy relationships often feel like a “slow ramp-up”; they often feel neutral in the beginning, then increase intimacy through misunderstanding and awkwardness to familiarity and trust. If we find ourselves feeling euphoric and overly excited without going through that process, it is a warning sign we shouldn’t ignore.

The Journey from Feeling Lonely to Connected

It is paramount to understand that our loneliness may be a result of early childhood experiences. By becoming curious and courageous, we can stop this pain. When we are stuck feeling empty and lonely, it puts a lot of unnecessary stress on our body which can lead to serious physical health issues such as hypertension, heart issues, dementia, or memory loss. Therefore, we are here to urge you to take action by implementing every intervention we have suggested thus far—To explore and understand your lonely emotions and to explore whether your loneliness has its origins in childhood. As well as interventions, we will share in future podcasts and blog posts - how to address barriers to connection, understand how we use psychological protectors to avoid healing, and how to give ourselves the love we deserve.

Exercise: Discovering Childhood and Attachment

In this exercise, use your curiosity to explore how your childhood experiences may have influenced your current pattern of relationships. The purpose of this exercise is to build self-awareness and inspire you to improve relationships. Take your time for this exercise and journal at your own pace. 

Dedicate a journal for this exercise. Write in it whenever you want to explore your relational patterns. There is no specific order or sequence you have to follow, and you can rewrite or add to any questions you have already answered.

Important: In every part of this exercise. Explore and write down the following in addition to the prompt: 

• If asked about a memory, what emotion did you remember feeling in that moment? 

• What feelings do you feel recalling the memory? 

• For reference, use the Feeling Wheel.

Part 1: Reflect on Early Relationships Between the Age of 0-13 Years Old:

• Think back to your earliest memories with your parents or caretakers. What events or details do you remember? 

• As a child, when you were injured, or sick, did anyone take care of you? Who did, and what can you remember about those people?

•  Were you rocked, kissed, hugged or held as a child? What memories do you recall? Be as specific if possible.

• As a child, how would your parents / caretaker respond to you?

• Did your parents / caretakers stick up for you? How did they do it?

• How did your parents / caretakers soothe and comfort you as a child?

• Did anything scary happen to you as a child? Was it out of the ordinary or recurrent?

• What kinds of dreams do you remember having as a child? Are they good dreams or nightmares? What is the content of these dreams?

• Did any of the memories or feelings surprise you?

Part 2: Examine your Attachment Template:

• How do you think your childhood shaped the way you currently relate to others? How did you come to your conclusions?

• Reflect on how often you felt connected / rejected as a child. Do you feel the same now?

• Currently, how does attaching to someone make you feel? Do you feel comfort? Excitement? Are you content?

• If you are to create a narrative or story about your attachment template, what would it look like? Use this blank template and fill in:I remember feeling _________________ as a child relating to my caretakers. Nowadays I tend to attach people who are __________________, as evident by ________________________.Example: I remember feeling content and safe as a child with parents who didn’t scare me in any way; therefore, I tend to attach to people who seem to be trustworthy, as evident by a lack of betrayal and rejection in my relationship history.

Part 3: Examine Current Relationships:

• When you think about your closest relationship at present (parents, family, friends, romantic partners), are there any familiar feelings such as excitement, boredom, comfort, fear, anxiety, or loneliness? Does it surprise you?

• How often do you feel safe, seen or heard in your current work, family, friend or romantic relationships?

• How often do you feel unsafe, unseen, or rejected in your current work, family, friend or romantic relationships?

• Do you find yourself attaching to people who are not good for you? What makes them not good for you?

Part 4: Create a Path to Better Relationships: 

• If someone had a magical wand to rid you of the biggest barriers to healthier relationships, what would the magic wand remove?

• What do you need to be aware of with your attachment template for better relationships?

• How does trauma play a role in stopping you from having a healthy relationship? What steps would you take with a mental health professional to address your trauma?

• What steps would you take to resist building a relationship with someone harmful? Would you seek advice from someone regarding the suspected harmful relationship? Would it be developing a habit of screening people with red flags? 

• Create a plan using the S.M.A.R.T. goal-setting format, see the exercise at the end of post #5 for instructions.

Part of this exercise is inspired by materials from Tatkin’s Psychobiological Couple’s Therapy. For more information, visit https://www.thepactinstitute.com/

For more content, check out our podcast, and become even more psychologically savvy.

Disclaimer: Psychotherapy is a psychological service involving a client interacting with a mental health professional with the aim of assessing or improving the mental health of the client. Neither the contents of this blog, nor our podcast, is psychotherapy, or a substitute for psychotherapy. The contents of this blog may be triggering to some, so reader’s discretion is advised. If you think that any of my suggestions, ideas, or exercises mentioned in this blog are creating further distress, please discontinue reading, and seek a professional’s help.

Therapy Uncomplicated is a podcast that is meant to help people who feel alone and unsupported with their day to day struggles. We want to educate people on mental health and show it isn’t something to be afraid of. We provide the “whys” and the “hows” for a path to wellness. We are here to promote positive change by offering education and new perspectives that destroy stigmas in mental health, and encourage people to go to therapy.