This is the second of the two posts aiming to respond to the mental health concerns relating to the 2024 election of the United States. Discussing with our co-host, Dylan, in which he mentioned there have been numerous reports to hotlines of emotional distress, this post focuses on a sub-topic of abuse and survivorship. We will continue to explore loneliness in post #9.
Election 2024 and the Topic of Abuse
In the wake of the 2024 election many of us were left in shock and dismay with how half the nation would in good conscience, choose a leader who would vow to take away the rights and freedoms of others, spewing vitriolic, harmful rhetoric for the last eight years, yet this all continually gets dismissed as harmless misunderstandings of jokes.
While Trump has “joked” about taking action against immigrants, against trans people, the fact is, that things have actually happened. Anti-gay and trans laws get passed. Hate crimes for LGBT+ groups aren’t kept track of more. There is more action behind his words, and the threats he makes are very real.
Joking about violence is often the first sign of abuse, and it should not be taken lightly. Unfortunately, this trend of “humor” and violence does not only exist in politics and larger systems. This phenomenon can be found in everyday personal interactions. I want to share with you an example that shook me when I was a student of psychology.
In the Beginning, It Seemed Harmless
Over the phone, a distressed-sounding voice continues to come through the speaker. The caller was strangely even-toned, her speech was neither slowed nor hastened. However, it was as if I could hear that she was exhausted and shocked underneath the seeming level-ness. “He was just joking”, she said—Those were probably the most striking four words I heard in my early career.
When I was working at a local domestic violence shelter during my practicum internship, part of our responsibility as staff was to answer our domestic violence hotline. It was kind of like what you would imagine for being an operator for a suicide hotline, but we also use that phone line to screen callers wanting to stay at our shelter. It was mid-afternoon when the distressed person called us. There was a few seconds of eerie silence, then when I tried to confirm phone reception, her voice came through asking, “Do you still have beds available?” She spoke without distress, but I could tell something was not matching up. I followed up with more questions, and it was obvious she needed more than a place to stay.
She told me was walking on the street during our call, bleeding with a laceration, missing patches of hair, and having difficulty walking due to her injuries. I suggested she needed to go to the hospital ASAP. However, she started to tell me about her story, so I stayed with her on the phone for a bit longer. She was in an abusive relationship with a person she was in love with. At first, she felt like “things were good but sometimes he would joke about beating her”. When I pointed out that kind of joke should be taken seriously, that was when she answered “He was just joking”. I went on to make sure she had the means to seek appropriate care. When I told her I needed a moment to talk to my supervisor to see if there was anything else we could provide for her, she insisted she could get to the hospital by herself. The call ended, and I was left wondering what else I could have done.
When People Joke about Harming Others, Believe It
The reality is the scenario described above is not an isolated incident. Through wishing for our abuser to change, underestimating signs of danger, choosing to “see the good in person”, or believing our abusers have greater redeeming qualities, we are led into troubling harmful situations. As in the story, when the abuse became a reality, it was too late. Abuse can be characterized by a party in a relationship seeking power and control, to the extent that their actions are violent and harmful to others.
In the case of the caller, domination and oppression were probably a motivation for her abuser because of his true need for violence, and through humor, have you met anyone obsessed about power and domination, who uses jokes to communicate their need for violence? What are they like? What feelings do they elicit in you? When a person claims they are going to use violence, the chance is, they are probably going to use it.
I want to invite you to think critically about different people you encountered, and their choice of humor. Who are they, and how do they joke? In my experience, humor styles are a reflection of someone’s inner workings. Therefore, a person who defaults to one style of humor will rarely use another style of humor uncharacteristic of them. For example, it would be shocking to hear a person joking about putting others down when they had always used wholesome humor to bring people together. We know “aggressive” people use aggressive jokes in a way that a “kind and caring” person might never use. When someone jokes about harming others, it is never a random coincidence; it is an expression of aggression, and we must take it seriously.
Seeking Safety
If jokes of harm can give us information about a person, what actions can we take? In the case of domestic violence, the best solution will be to construct an exit plan that considers the safety of yourself and others. However, what if the danger exists on a larger scale, in our communal and governmental systems? Although I don’t really have a model answer for this complex question, here are some suggestions based on what others have found useful:
Acknowledge your feelings: Make sure we are not self-gaslighting by invalidating our emotions. Speak with clarity to yourself about how you really feel.
Build a Support Structure: Do you know anyone who has similar experiences? Allies in solidarity can make us feel less alone, especially when we feel like we are surrounded by opposing voices.
Self-care: We deserve to have moments of relief. Make sure to do something restorative to your well-being.
Find Personal Power: Can you identify areas in your life you have control over? Use them to regain a sense of control and agency.
Educate yourself and others: Becoming more informed can empower us to find new strengths and solutions. When we bring that strength to others, we can achieve tangible results.
Engage in Activism: We only have power when we choose to stand together. Our future can be a hopeful one if we decide to fight.
Exercise: Grounding
Grounding is a concept of discerning safety and reminding ourselves of safety in our environment.
Find a comfortable place to sit or lie down. Gently breathe in and out. Imagine each breath as if it were an ocean tide; the tide goes out with each breath, and you think less about the past and future and become more aware of your breathing.
Be curious about your surroundings. Notice the environment and name items in the following sequence:
Five colors
Four shapes
Three sounds
Two textures
One scent
If your mind starts to wonder, simply label those thoughts as “thinking”, and come back to observing your surroundings.
For more content, check out our podcast, and become even more psychologically savvy.
Disclaimer: Psychotherapy is a psychological service involving a client interacting with a mental health professional with the aim of assessing or improving the mental health of the client. Neither the contents of this blog, nor our podcast, is psychotherapy, or a substitute for psychotherapy. The contents of this blog may be triggering to some, so the reader’s discretion is advised. If you think that any of my suggestions, ideas, or exercises mentioned in this blog are creating further distress, please discontinue reading, and seek a professional’s help.
Therapy Uncomplicated is a podcast that is meant to help people who feel alone and unsupported with their day-to-day struggles. We want to educate people on mental health and show it isn’t something to be afraid of. We provide the “whys” and the “hows” for a path to wellness. We are here to promote positive change by offering education and new perspectives that destroy stigmas in mental health and encourage people to go to therapy.
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