In this series of posts, we are going to explore the topic of loneliness. Loneliness has been the scourge of our modern age—creating mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, and feelings of isolation. Loneliness creates rifts in our communities, fuels addictions, and sometimes drives people to extreme violence.
Loneliness is a complex phenomenon. In order to understand this topic, we have to explore parts of our psyche. We feel lonely often as emotional distress as a result of painful relationships.
To start, we need to define what a “relationship” is.
Defining “Relationship”
Humans are wired to be in relationships. When I use the word “relationship”, I am not only referring to a romantic bond and arrangement between individuals involving emotional and sexual attraction. Relationship, in this context, refers to the interactions and communication—both verbal and nonverbal—between a person and others. A relationship between people can be romantic, platonic, familial, or even adversarial.
We relate to the world through the emotions we are feeling. Think about how we might say we “love” someone as a way to express care and adoration. At the same time, we say we “love” an activity, an object, and a concept. Although loving a person might be a very different experience from loving something, we see it fit to use the same words to describe these experiences. We are culturally conditioned to use specific words and expressions to describe a wide range of experiences. The word “love” might be associated with certain positive emotions, such as fondness, joy, closeness, or elation. Thus, when something elicits these positive emotions, we might say we “love” something, whether it is a person, an object, or something abstract.
We can also relate to our world with negative emotions. For example, I am not a picky eater, but personally I absolutely despise those cold neon green sweet and sour seaweed salads. It’s as if rocks in the ocean grew hair and someone pulled it out, only to realize it’s half rotten. To hide this, they decided to marinate the slimy mess with sugar and vinegar, and dye it a radioactive green. When I stare face to face with that monstrosity, I would probably use the word “hate” to describe my experience. The emotion that makes me feel hateful is “disgust”. Likewise, if I feel the same emotion toward someone, I might describe my experience as “hateful”.
Relationships are Everything
We relate to our world like we relate to people.
Growing up in a Chinese household, my parents liked to tell me that “if I am not an obedient child, the God of Lightning will strike me down”. Although I have never been the perfect child, I have never been struck down by lightning. Besides the silly scare tactic my parents used, I have learned that in Chinese mythology, everything seems to have a god. From stoves to toilets to celestial objects and natural phenomena, the world is a living pantheon of spirits and deities governing all aspects of life according to the Chinese folk religion. Furthermore, all of these characters seem to have their own unique personalities. If something bad happens to you, you must have angered one of the deities. To stop your bad luck, you will need to appease the offended deity by offering apologies, food, and incense.
What seems like superstition shows a part of our psyche regarding how we relate. Animism and folk religions might not be your belief system, but I am willing to bet that you interact with the world in similar ways—personifying and attributing human qualities to nonhuman things. For example, you may have given inanimate objects human names, like to your favorite childhood toys. Likewise, you might have attributed emotions to weather—calling a dark cloud “moody”, or a wind storm “angry”. Or, you might have blamed an inanimate object, sometimes resorting to aggressive behavior. You may have even talked to technology as if it can understand you and heed your pleading, by saying things like “Come on, don’t die on me now” to a phone with low battery. Logically, we know talking to a dying phone will not cause it to recharge itself. Emotionally however,it's a different story. It’s an instinct we follow. This is how we relate to our world. We treat other human beings as humans, and we treat the rest of our world as if it is human as well.
Relationships and Loneliness
As human beings, we engage with the world by relating to it. When these relations have us experiencing positive emotions, we feel safe, content, and satisfied. However, if we experience negative emotions, we feel lonely, in danger, discontent, and isolated.
Imagine if things are generally working out in your favor. You feel you can trust others, and they have genuine care and positive regard towards you. How would you feel? Conversely, imagine if things are not working in your favor, and you feel like you have to defend yourself from others all the time. What emotions are coming up?
My guess is you will feel connected and content when life is working out, and you will feel lonely when disempowered and unsafe. During the COVID pandemic lockdowns, the demand for therapy surged, and I was inundated by requests for mental health services. One of the most common complaints people told me was feeling lonely, unsupported and powerless against the adverse circumstances created by the virus. Increased interpersonal conflicts and deteriorating relationships were not the only factors contributing to loneliness. People also reported loneliness from having to confront mortality, their sense of self, as well as feeling powerless from their own health concerns. People stated narratives such as “I feel all alone having to worry about the health of myself and loved ones”, or “I feel like I am fighting this all by myself and I don't know what might happen next”. If we reflect on our feelings of loneliness, it might be about more than just not having people around.
Loneliness is the experience of unwelcome emotions and emotional pain, often a result of painful relationships, with yourself, others, or specific circumstances. In episode 6 of our podcast, we covered the physical and mental health impacts of loneliness. In our modern world, this ailment is becoming increasingly prevalent. With digitalization, economic inequality, histories of emotional trauma, aging, and inevitable life changes, it has become very easy to self-isolate. A lot of us are struggling with loneliness, and we desperately want to feel better. However, as much as we wish for the world to change so we can find wellness and connection, we might have to examine why we feel this way, and how we can address our suffering and create a lifestyle that satisfies our needs for positive relationships.
Exercise: Discovering Loneliness
In this exercise we will explore how we relate to our world and experience loneliness.
Find a quiet place where you feel safe being alone, and bring something to write with.
Step 1: Reflect on a Positive Experience
Think of a time, scenery, or event that makes you joyful and content. Describe the event and try to remember the feelings associated with that experience.
Describe in the moment those feelings in your body. What do they feel like? (hot, warm, cool, dull, heavy, light, smooth, rough, content, joyous, mixed, happy, sad, etc.) Where do they reside in the body?
Step 2: Reflect on a Challenging Experience
Think of a challenging experience, one that is difficult, but not completely overwhelming. (On an intensity scale of 0 to 10, try picking an event that rates a 5).
If thinking about the event is still overwhelming, pick something else before writing anything down.
I thought thinking about my high school friend making fun of me would be a 5/10, but I am realizing it is much more overwhelming. Maybe I can think about a lighter experience, like the one this morning when the lady at the DMV wasn’t being very helpful.
When you have the right event in mind, write down the details and try to remember what emotions you experienced.
Describe the emotions and feelings the same way as part 1. What do they feel like? Where do they reside in the body?
Step 3: The Experience of Loneliness
Compare and contrast what you wrote in part 1 and 2. Are the emotional experiences described in part 2 anything like the following?
I feel alone.
I feel like I have to fight for myself
Even when I have people there for me, I don’t feel like they made things better.
I feel empty.
If part 2 resonates with any of the above, that is the experience of loneliness. Notice if you feel angry, sad, or numb, those feelings are not loneliness itself.
Step 4: Coming Back from Loneliness Do Not Skip
Put away the writing material.
Visualize everything you wrote down on that paper and put it into an imagery box or container, but resist the urge to destroy or throw it away. I want you to put the box somewhere you can access when you choose to. For example, some people put the box on a shelf, in a glass case, or within a beautiful scenery.
Look around you, and notice that however intense the experience might have been, the environment stayed the same.
Do this exercise sequentially. If you do not have time to complete this exercise in its entirety, skip to Step 4, and start from the beginning next time.
For more content, check out our podcast, and become even more psychologically savvy.
Disclaimer: Psychotherapy is a psychological service involving a client interacting with a mental health professional with the aim of assessing or improving the mental health of the client. Neither the contents of this blog, nor our podcast, is psychotherapy, or a substitute for psychotherapy. The contents of this blog may be triggering to some, so reader’s discretion is advised. If you think that any of my suggestions, ideas, or exercises mentioned in this blog are creating further distress, please discontinue reading, and seek a professional’s help.
Therapy Uncomplicated is a podcast that is meant to help people who feel alone and unsupported with their day to day struggles. We want to educate people on mental health and show it isn’t something to be afraid of. We provide the “whys” and the “hows” for a path to wellness. We are here to promote positive change by offering education and new perspectives that destroy stigmas in mental health, and encourage people to go to therapy.
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